First comes love…..

of a supernatural kind……

I never aspired to find someone who would take on my baggage filled with daddy issues…..

Marriage was not in my to do list but was happy for everyone around who committed and signed on the dotted line. Children also weren't in my life to do’s: enduring a whole lot of mother wounds in the first half of my life didn’t help in that department.

At 25 years old, I found myself enjoying my freedom alone in my three floor duplex in Bloomfield New Jersey I share with my brother and current boyfriend Trevor. I was minding my business of cleaning–actually let’s rephrase–organizing, because my version of cleaning wasn’t passable to anyone who knew me.

I was the last person to voluntarily scrub, vacuum, or wash anything. In fact, I once paid my Irish twin sister, Toni (who loved kids and chose to have children of her own), to change my bedsheets and tidy up my bedroom.

It’s not laziness.

I am  just not predisposed to being a neat freak; that gene belonged to my only sister. I’d rather get paid if I had to work that hard. The term, ‘organize chaos’ suits me and is an apt description of me for life.

So, there I was organizing my my living room. The speaker blasted soca and calypso music while I whacked a decorative pillow with an open palm. My hips whined round and round with the carribean tunes trying to keep an invisible hula hoop from falling to the ground. Satisfied with the fluff, I karate chopped the top of the pillow and moved on to pick up its twin on the other side of the sofa. 

Suddenly my hand froze mid chopped.

The name Madsin filled my head like a flashing neon Sign and drowned out the music.

“What the hell?” I said aloud. I haven’t seen or thought about him in five years. 

 Madsin was Trevor’s predecessor. We dated for a hot and exciting seven months; complete with meeting both families and inseparability in-and-out of bed. But his decision to enlist into the Marine Corps cooled me off; being a military girlfriend wasn’t a reality I wanted to live.

My knees shook as I descended on the newly fluffed couch, reminiscing over a man, who for all I knew, could be dead!

It’s not the first time I felt and knew when someone pass on.

I shot up and sprinted to the desktop. Names that randomly popped into my head are usually clients who’d call to make an appointment at my newly acquired hair salon, or family and friends who may need some attention. Whichever case, it’s imperative I reach out to them. But Madsin??? I had no way to contact him. Google it is. I hunched over the keyboard, not bothering with the office chair, fingers pouncing over the keys in rapid succession.

Nothing. Nada. Zero.

Got it! I deleted his name and quickly typed in his sister's name. Same results. Delete. Typed in his mother’s name. Nothing. I straightened up and backed away from the computer. This is definitely a little stalker-ish. All searches came up to nothing. 

I laughed, shaking away the thoughts in my headspace when another entered its vicinity.

What if he did die? Morbid

My head lifted to the heavens and I recited a quick prayer.

May the perpetual light shine upon you and may you rest in peace. Amen. 

Satisfied with my good deed of the day, I went back to my version of cleaning and cleared away Madsin’s remnants in my brain. There was another man who took over and my brain's purpose of finding a solution and solving a problem–Trevor.  

After four years with Trevor, I came to the conclusion.

End the relationship.

Goodbye Trevor and RIP Madsin?

A week later….