Everything stopped as the deafening sound of a violent car crash took over my entire being. I watched in horror as someone’s once-prized possessions were viciously mangled in an unrecognizable heap of metal. No one survived. Not the pregnant woman who was about to become a mother to her unborn child.
-Instead, she lay lifeless on the cracked pavement.
Nor the young teen who drove the other vehicle. Who was only identifiable from his newly issued license in his wallet. No one survived.
The air was still and stood frozen in time. At the end of it all one had to ask ... “Where was God then?!”
Where's God when the nightmares persist?
Once again, I stand in the middle of the desert armed for war only to witness children being murdered and my brothers blown to pieces! SHIT! Every time I’ve tried to change the scene but where do I aim?! Who was the enemy? Is it them? Me? Who?
I'm fucked and the only relief from this never ending reel of torture are the pills laid out at arm's reach when I wake. Where is your GOD then?!
As I hold onto a shivering baby born to a drug addicted mother, my faith in God is once again in question. The tremors from her tiny body shook my world apart from that I could barely take the next step to fulfill my duties as a maternity nurse.
It’s a fucking baby. What did she do to deserve such a life?
Where was her God?
These stories were angrily thrown at me to challenge my faith in a higher power. Most of the time, I am in the rabbit hole with them. I quietly cry as I share their pain.
The emotions that convulse my heart to ache in the deepest pain, renders me mute, and I too relive my darkest moments. Scenarios such as these stop me dead in my light and positive tracks. I suffocate and burrow in the feelings and knowledge of such traumatic events.
But after the emotional roller coaster subsidies, the call to action and purpose arises almost immediately. The question then becomes-
WHAT IS GOD CALLING FOR ME TO DO IN THIS SITUATION?
Reflect and accept
My life wasn't easy. I was born to an alcoholic abusive father and to an enabler Mama who allowed his monstrous existence over me and my four siblings; In my early teen years molestation, physical and emotional beatings were constant. My mother’s unwindable battle with pancreatic cancer forced me to become an adult at just 15 years old. By the time I celebrated my 21st birthday, I had custody of my two younger brothers and began my journey as a single parent.
However, what I remember and recall clearly was the light that brought me out of the dark void. My FAITH in GOD. Something happened to me in every case and situation. My defense mechanism enabled me to go inwards so that I can be objective to see a clear path of survival.
God was my resource. He was in me and gave me the capability to reflect and accept. Through it all, I kept my personal goal of opening my salon business and continued to thrive as an adult.
Thrive or Self-destruct. Choose.
Tragedies will define you. I believe in this statement so much that I have tattooed it on myself. Committed much? I am who I am today because of my circumstances and how I've responded to each situation-both good and bad.
It is a matter of perspective and the actions taken reflected my outlook.
I grew up a coward and was the good girl for my father out of fear. My six-year-old self could not fight back the burns, slaps, and whatever disciplinary atrocities he inflicted. But it made me the kick ass adult because being fearful did not benefit me as an adult.
The knowledge of pain, fear, and abuse gave me the resources to live a thriving life. With it, I also learned the difference between my self-preservation and self-destruction mode.
Life was no longer just happening to me. I, instead, played my part as the center of my world to create my vision of success.
Expand and Create
When the decision to take the necessary action to move on is made, a new path is created. The decision to take proactive steps towards positivity expands your soul energy to the next level. There is no other way but UP and OUT! Light and Growth.
Each life experience (good or bad) is a lesson meant to be learned and examined. Creativity and soul expansion is inevitable, once we take the leap of faith that is necessary to become a more evolved SELF.
We hastily associate God as this external source of power and do not allow ourselves the essence of God within ourselves. If we are of God, created by God, then we are pieces of God. Even when an individual doesn't believe in God then it is the belief in Himself that creates his circumstance.
Where was GOD? The answer is and will always be-